On Summer...

(of course, the obvious question is why am I posting all of this?)

-May 29-

A sign in Harvard Yard reads: Every life is big to the person who is living it.

*

I move through this world

Mostly-sleepy-eyed,

A headclouded wandering.

Experiencing mostly in this mindworld:

I am a dust-covered being.

-June 11-

there is a coming together.

it is slow.

-June 17-

how am i to you

just another walking down the street?

can you look me in the eyes

and not see?

do you not feel these rays of light

exploding from my being?

-June 20-

there were God-clouds today

charging forth from behind

these red brick buildings,

massive and

elegant and

eloquent

rosy- and halo-trimmed

goldenlovesoaked!

so profound that they make you

stop and stare,

catch your breath and say,

"wow."

-June 26-

we are all walking bodies of knowledge and experience.

-June 28-

How is it going,

the-story-of-you?

-July 3-

"A homesickness which home cannot cure." - John Burroughs

-July 4-

My being

is half-woman,

half-kid.

I now find myself

stretching up, and

opening out, and

letting go, and

coming alive.

Align my hips and shoulders,

pull this thread from the crown of my head,

-tighten-feel-energy-flow-,

breathe deep and wide

and open your eyes

wake up!

wake up!

be here!

wake up!

*

I had dinner

with a man,

Sam.

He is beautiful.

Deep eyes,

far back,

piercing blue,

shine.

Sharp.

Adams Apple, guzzle,

grey short stubble

sprinkled on your

cheek.

lean,

quick,

sharp,

ice-burn

soul.

graceful,

smooth - kindness

oh,

divine glacier,

I want to touch

your

cheek

*

the fingerpadtip

of my ring finger

has been buzzing

all day.

and today

during yoga

something opened in my chest

and I felt my heart.

-July 7-

Brands and logos are so strange! If someone is wearing a shirt with only a Nike symbol swoosh on it, they are moving through the world literally branded. They are doing nothing but being an advertisement for them, for that company. Their self/identity/beinghood becomes owned by that company! How bizarre!

So what does that mean about our interactions with others? How are we not judging them based on their costumes, their habits, their thoughts? "Oh, you are this type of person. You are this." But that is false, that is fake. That is part of essentializing others.

In fact, is our perception of all matter and being not simply as symbols? All action and interaction is symbolic action and interaction. We attribute a certain meaning to it all, we have an understanding of it as something. But it is never the thing in itself, and it is never being perceived outside of our own minds.

-July 9-

I realized that my knees are joints.

Now when I bike

I try to draw strength

from the core my being.

What is at the core?

*

Today

Upon accepting

the illusion of reality -

haphazard

thrusting

flings

limbs

crazy all amess

where going

nowhere I don't know

everywhere

here

here they are

and I cried

still self-conscious of the fact that I

was crying

--why am I twisting my face so?

--why do I believe in this pain?

*

Everything we do is symbolic - we are always acting, performing, playing, making meaning out of our actions.

*

I recognize, I realize, that this existential stagnancy is stupefying, deadening, stopping or maybe just slowing, it is just slowing down, because I know! I already know! My sick soul is self-induced, vanity. It is true that it is all false, but as much as Itry to think my way into the falseness, I remain in this reality.

-July 11-

Summer is passing:

Opressive heat bursts -

sweatsticky bodies are cleansed.

*

Here we are in this crisp

world that resounds with dripdrippings

and the hollow swooosh of tires

splashing through puddles

and we are shuffling side-to-side,

wasting time, nervous, waiting awkward...

In this after-dinner dimness-lit-by-streetlamps

world of wet and

slick dark ground and

big, cool sky

we are kicking quietly at the ground and

looking into each others' eyes and

waiting to kiss.

-July 12-

Screen door swings open:

Candles, wine, fruit flies, and

Two twenty-one-year-old Woman-kids

--out on the back porch

--sitting on the wooden steps

--legs crossed, sandal-tanned bare feet,

--flowy skirts and tank tops;

farmer's market dinner

late-time on a summer night.

Talk of the world -

all of the sad things,

what needs to change-

only ever ends

Heavy, Huge

Looming

giant

cloud

dark

of impossible, of smallness,

of a deep despair

that plunges arm, twisting, down, into mouth, pink throat tubes clenched between flingerslits and fist, you are - hands to neck - choking. why can't you disappear from the world?

But talk is talk.

*

Mommy,

You know those dreams

that you have right before bed

about everything you're gonna do tomorrow,

and also about how you're gonna change the world?

Well, where have they gone when you wake up the next morning?

-July 25-

"I was no longer myself, or to be more accurate, no longer as I knew myself to be, a small point of awarenes confined in a body, but instead was a vast circle of consciousness in which the body was but a point, bathed in light and in a state of exaltation and happiness impossible to describe." - Gopi Krishna, Kundalini: The Evolutionary Energy in Man

-August 1-

It's that lavender and rose petals point in life,

or the sweet smell of supple peaches stage

jeweltones against ripe honey-colored limbs,

movement like a soft evening rain -

delicate, dangling, firm.

*

Life's pupil

Cocoon-emerging,

Shedding self.

*

Releasing my story has become my story.

Indeed, my path to not-self is one of great self-absorption.