thoughts of recent...

march 29 - with the budding of spring
i awaken refreshed.
roots of suffering reach deep.

april 14 - still amazed by all of the ways in which we perform "ourself." through our clothing/appearance and through our actions. what is genuine and real?

april 14 - and it's interesting that when i see this hupd (harvard university police department) guy on his bike, decked out in his gear, he becomes a "hupd guy" - he no longer has an identity, or a personal one anyhow.

april 16 - soaking in dim off- eggshell-white library light, with a touch of yellowy honey in it, but not in a sweet way - in a way that makes you feel pale and soul-stifled, in a library light way.

april 20 - realized last night that my fear of making art - visual, musical, dance, etc. - is a fear of making something beautiful. **truly beautiful**

april 20 - gnats hover, bunch lazy
tucked in corners
brick red beautiful
neon green fresh spring leaves flutter
sun opens, shines warm.

april 21 - still spending most of my time halfheavy-sleepyeyed

***

i told him -
when i think of him it feels like late-afternoon sunshine - when it filters golden through trees, light breeze glitter-glimmer through green spring leaves.. and you've had a really good day.

he told me -
you are saturn, you are a snowy mountain, you are buddah.
hoolah hoop buddah hoolah hoop.
sometimes we kiss in my dreams.

and i thought - he spelled buddha wrong.
and my heart fluttered, first time in a long time, even though i don't want it to, not to him, anyway.
and i wanna say, like -
mannnn, you sure know how to make me smile.